When teens say: "GIVE ME MORE FREEDOM”
Parents should: Give them more freedom.
Let go of the temptation to control your teen. The teenage brain craves risks and must feel independence in order to grow confidently. Now's the time to be less controlling, but still involved emotionally. The teen years are most likely the closing of the window where we have a real opportunity to connect. Once they go off to college the window is mostly shut – you can still get in, but you need to knock first and they may or may not let you in.
When teens say: "WHEN I GET ANGRY, DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF IT--IT'S NORMAL FOR ME TO BE EMOTIONAL"
Parents should: Understand that it’s normal for teens to be hyper-emotional.
The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until about 25 years old. Adults think with the rational part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) while teens think with the emotional part (the amygdala). It’s the prefrontal cortex that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of consequences. Instead of getting mad at your teen for being emotional, ask her/him how you can help.
When teens say: "STOP BEING OVERPROTECTIVE”
Parents should: Be aware for the need for risk, but still monitor activity
The teen brain is undergoing tremendous change and is in need of taking risks. Connections in the brain that are unused become ‘pruned’ away while connections that are used are strengthened. Risk-taking is essential as teens’ brains need the data that they are ready for more independence. But be careful, how teens spend their time is crucial to brain development. Too much video games and social media can have disastrous consequences on the developing teen’s brain.
When teens say : “STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
Parents should: Stop telling them what to do.
Jumping in and trying to solve problems for your teen or telling them what to do, sends the message that you don't think they are able to do it themselves. If they don’t ask for your opinion, don’t give it. Unsolicited advice is received as criticism. Instead say, “I’m here for you” and teach them a Growth Mindset thinking style that shows that it’s ok to make mistakes.
When teens say: “I HATE YOU!”
Parents should: Understand that “I hate you" really means “I’m overwhelmed and testing you to be sure you will still love me even when I’m imperfect.
In Western culture, we have come to expect that teens will distance themselves. I used to think that it was part of human development for teens to disconnect emotionally in an extreme way from their parents but now I realize that it’s a cultural myth. While there is a lot going on with them neurologically and hormonally, culturally we impose negative standards on this age. Just mention the term “teenager” and you’ll get sighs and eye rolls from most adults. In India, for example, many teens remain as connected to their parents as they were as children. In America, parents unconsciously disconnect from their teens. The teens become more independent, after school activities and friends have them in the house less and slowly the relationship fades, and because of this Western myth of disconnection we accept this distancing and disconnect ourselves. Some of this disconnection is natural but a lot of it is unnecessary. At a time when our teens are going through some of the most confusing and challenging experiences of their lives, it is our job to remain connected.
Parents should: Give them more freedom.
Let go of the temptation to control your teen. The teenage brain craves risks and must feel independence in order to grow confidently. Now's the time to be less controlling, but still involved emotionally. The teen years are most likely the closing of the window where we have a real opportunity to connect. Once they go off to college the window is mostly shut – you can still get in, but you need to knock first and they may or may not let you in.
When teens say: "WHEN I GET ANGRY, DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF IT--IT'S NORMAL FOR ME TO BE EMOTIONAL"
Parents should: Understand that it’s normal for teens to be hyper-emotional.
The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until about 25 years old. Adults think with the rational part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) while teens think with the emotional part (the amygdala). It’s the prefrontal cortex that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of consequences. Instead of getting mad at your teen for being emotional, ask her/him how you can help.
When teens say: "STOP BEING OVERPROTECTIVE”
Parents should: Be aware for the need for risk, but still monitor activity
The teen brain is undergoing tremendous change and is in need of taking risks. Connections in the brain that are unused become ‘pruned’ away while connections that are used are strengthened. Risk-taking is essential as teens’ brains need the data that they are ready for more independence. But be careful, how teens spend their time is crucial to brain development. Too much video games and social media can have disastrous consequences on the developing teen’s brain.
When teens say : “STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”
Parents should: Stop telling them what to do.
Jumping in and trying to solve problems for your teen or telling them what to do, sends the message that you don't think they are able to do it themselves. If they don’t ask for your opinion, don’t give it. Unsolicited advice is received as criticism. Instead say, “I’m here for you” and teach them a Growth Mindset thinking style that shows that it’s ok to make mistakes.
When teens say: “I HATE YOU!”
Parents should: Understand that “I hate you" really means “I’m overwhelmed and testing you to be sure you will still love me even when I’m imperfect.
In Western culture, we have come to expect that teens will distance themselves. I used to think that it was part of human development for teens to disconnect emotionally in an extreme way from their parents but now I realize that it’s a cultural myth. While there is a lot going on with them neurologically and hormonally, culturally we impose negative standards on this age. Just mention the term “teenager” and you’ll get sighs and eye rolls from most adults. In India, for example, many teens remain as connected to their parents as they were as children. In America, parents unconsciously disconnect from their teens. The teens become more independent, after school activities and friends have them in the house less and slowly the relationship fades, and because of this Western myth of disconnection we accept this distancing and disconnect ourselves. Some of this disconnection is natural but a lot of it is unnecessary. At a time when our teens are going through some of the most confusing and challenging experiences of their lives, it is our job to remain connected.